I’m phoning this one in – Eat me, Chris Hibbard!

A Feature Editorial
by Keith McLaughlin
The Meliorist, Dec. 2007

I’m phoning this one in – Eat me, Chris Hibbard!

So, the Meliorist’s editor-in-chief Chris Hibbard wants words on a page, well, here you go Chris, words. All the letters in my previous sentence when incorporated together constitute words, I believe there was 19 of them, would you like to count them, Chris Hibbard?

I sometimes wonder if my boss knows that I think he’s a total douche-bag. He is constantly on my back about researching and sourcing and “journalistic integrity”, blah, blah, blah. Chris never lets me make up people and attribute quotes to them, he’s always on me to be factual and to “find stories”. Seriously, how does one find a story? Every week he tells me ‘go find a story Keith, go get it’. I’m not a dog @$$hole.

Truth be told, I would much rather make the news by conjuring up fake people and fake statistics. Unfortunately for my precious time, Chris Hitler forbids any and all cheating. So, here I am yet again, half-drunk in the Meliorist office at 3:30 am. I know if I don’t fill this page my fascist tyrant dick of an editor won’t pay me, but I don’t feel like writing, right now I feel like Arby’s followed by some drunk tobogganing. So, I choose to phone this article in. I hope you enjoy your precious words, Chris. I hope they burn your eyes when you read them.

Last week, the Meliorist staff were all sitting around planning this spoof issue and Chris mentioned this really dumb idea to me about making predictions for 2008. I have no other idea how to fill this page so I figure I will embrace Chris’ totally dumb idea of making predictions. I will now make some random predictions, I’m not sure how many I will make; remember, I am simply putting words on a page to appease a despotic micro-managing editor. Once this article reaches a certain word count, I’m outta here and going tobogganing because Arby’s is closed.

I Will Get You For This Chris Hibbard. My first prediction is that I will get you back Chris, for all the stress you inflict on me and the duress you have caused me. I plan on attending your Christmas party, at said party I will deliberately over-consume alcohol. I will then vomit on your couch and your upholstery will be ruined. I will not help with the cleaning up of any empties, nor will I assist any effort to wash my puke from your couch. If dip is to be served, I will put my fingers in it, or I will use it as an ashtray (I haven’t decided yet). Generally, I will behave inappropriately. I might even hit on your girlfriend.

Hillary Clinton Will Become President. George Bush will unceremoniously vacate the US presidency and rightly be remembered as the most putrid president in history. Hillary Clinton will win the November 2008 election; her vice-president will be Barack Obama. Now, I’m a big fan of females and gender equality, but I’m not such a fan of Clinton. Hillary is so fake, she’s like processed meat. Everything she says is so scripted and carefully crafted by focus groups that she can speak for a hour and say nothing at all. Nevertheless her becoming president would be a good thing for two reasons. 1) She is a Democrat. Democrats are moderately more intelligent than Republicans who are stupid and crazy. 2) She is a woman. It would be cool to have a woman in charge of the world’s most powerful nation. I’m all for women in powerful places because I firmly believe that if women ran the world there would be much less war, famine and suffering. Men tend to be indifferent to someone else’s suffering, men also like to kill and blow shit up, just ‘cuz.

I Predict That You Will Find Happiness in 2008, I Will Not. 2008 will bring you much joy and good fortune. You will become truly happy in every aspect of life. You will find love, make lots of money and generally be happy with everything life gives you. I foresee for myself continued –

I just hit my desired word count. This page is now full enough to be printed according to the ‘journalistic standard’ set by Chris Hitler. Screw this, I’m going tobogganing.


~ by Chris Hibbard on June 5, 2009.

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