How To Lose Your Roommate

A how-to guide
by Chris Hibbard

How To Lose Your Roommate

Do you hate your roommate? Welcome to the club. Unless you have a significant other with their own place to hole up it, you’re going to have to deal with this person a whole lot. Here are seven easy tips to encourage them to move out, without you ever having to have ‘The Talk.’

1. Telephone courtesy.

The students who live in residence receive little pamphlets when the move in, advising such quality behaviours as: “Leave the room when your roommate calls his parents.”
I say screw that advice. Privacy is nonexistent when living with a fellow student. Whenever that little shit roommate is on the phone, no matter who they are talking to, I recommend make the person on the other end of the line think he/she is living with Charles Manson, someone with Down’s Syndrome, or an enthusiastic orgy participant.

2. Don’t leave dirty laundry lying around.

Whenever you find their dirty socks tucked under a couch cushion, their underwear on the floor of the bathroom, or their nasty workout clothes on the kitchen table, grab said items and make a mad dash for the stairwell, front door, or back alleyway to throw them away. Your roommate won’t catch you so easily if you distract them first by throwing their shoes out an open window.
If you’re too lazy to run, soak whichever article of clothing you come across in water and freeze it overnight, then put it back where you found it/where they left it.

3. Empty trash cans before they get too full.

Whenever you need to empty your overflowing garbage can, be kind to your roommate by emptying theirs too. An overflowing garbage can can make quite the mess on the floor around it too, so by taking out their trash it’s easy to accidentally throw away their textbooks, ID cards, University Writing papers, asthma medication, pet gerbil etc. Regularly empty his or her trash in the proper receptacle to make them feel lazy for not doing it themselves, or if this is a truly chronic problem, empty your trash on their bed while they sound asleep in it.

4. Don’t eat in your bed.

Eating in bed causes crumbs and food bits that chafe the skin, cause pimples, and are just downright annoying. If you feel that you must eat in bed, save yourself some itchiness by eating in your roommate’s bed. It is also acceptable to drink in your roommate’s bed, watch TV from your roommate’s bed, jump on your roommates bed, and have sex in your roommate’s bed. A double homicide in your roommate’s bed may be pushing it. To really light a fire between the two of you, sprinkle Vietnamese fish sauce liberally under your roommate’s sheets. This may lead to a permanent nickname (at worst Stinky, at best Douche) and can negatively affect their chances of intimacy for the duration of their stay.

5. Be mindful of noise pollution.

If your roommate routinely talks, sings, hums, snores, or speaks in tongues while they sleep, tape-record it and play it back for them. If they are incredibly self-conscious about it, get it played on CKXU radio as “The Latest Single from _______ _______”

6. Keep your music collection organized.

If your roommate owns only five CDs, and they are Creed, Nickleback, The Black Eyed Peas, Gwen Stefani and Jay-Z, this person does not deserve to live. Sell their CDs on Ebay, use them as coasters, Frisbees, and clay pigeons for skeet shooting. If they replace said CDs, sell your roommate on Ebay as well.

7. Clean up all that nasty dust.

When your roommate’s family and/or grandparents are visiting, sprinkle powdered sugar on your dusty objects or floor, and arrange it into nice neat lines for easy removal. Invite members of the Mormon church and/or the resident campus chaplain to drop by for spiritual consultation. Videotape the reaction of all involved, and post it on for all to see. If you are not going to be home at the time, feel free to place an anonymous tip to the local police department as well.


~ by Chris Hibbard on October 31, 2008.

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